the continual struggle of Ministry
It's been about a year since i took the leap of faith and decided to heed His call to jump into the deep by leaving the comforts of the ZJ fold and to help out with Post Con. Since then, it's been one ride that has been awfully bumpy, leaving my still very much uncomfortable, still feeling that i'm fish out of water, having to plan for an entire year's sessions and to help a group of youth to find their identity in God. No longer could i hide behind my piano or the microphone and be comfy with leading/doing worship - rather i felt increasingly called to reach out and put myself in the shoes of my fellow brothers and sisters in the new community, and try to journey with them through this tumultuous time of their life journey known as "adolescence".
Having seen the change in identity to Acts II and the subsequent high drop out rate of the community, it is really tough not to feel more than a little disheartened by this. I still wonder where God is leading the community towards... was i sent here to help see the "successful" closure of the grp? or is the current malaise of the community reflective of the current malaise in my own spiritual journey?
And it's really tempting to believe the latter, though it would mean that beneath it all, i have over-relied on myself in doing what He has commissioned me to do.
It's really hard to swallow - seeing the young ones choosing to leave the group and look for fulfillment and meaning in their lives in the world rather than to journey with the flock. It's tough to see them exercise the free will that His love has provided, AND not try to impose what i firmly believe in on them. It's really really tough to still continue to avail myself to these who would in all probability seek the "Church's" help when the maelstrom, pandemonium and bedlam that the world can throw at them removes the ground from under their feet and they find themselves in the quagmire of sh*t.
So... sometimes i just wonder why would i subject myself to this continual struggle in ministry? shouldn't i just move on with my life that peers of my age have done - chase the world, success, money, house, love etc.? why should i even bother abt the youth that are probably over-sheltered in their lives, and shd be allowed to struggle in the deep end of the pool themselves, and learn from the sch of hard knocks on their own? after all, almost EVERYONE in the world has survived it, so why can't they? Shouldn't i learn to live and let live?
In all honesty, i wish i could. i wish i didn't have a conscience... i wish i wasn't somewhat intuitive to His movements and promptings in my life... i wish i was left alone with my soccer ball, PS2, free movie passes (ya right)... and let me live a life... a life of abject content. I guess it's this oxymoron that "did" me in - i can't. i may live a contradiction... but i cannot consciously leave Him alone. thus, i continue with the struggle of Ministry... which is paralleled to my own spiritual struggle. i'm doing what His Son commanded us to do.
Having seen the change in identity to Acts II and the subsequent high drop out rate of the community, it is really tough not to feel more than a little disheartened by this. I still wonder where God is leading the community towards... was i sent here to help see the "successful" closure of the grp? or is the current malaise of the community reflective of the current malaise in my own spiritual journey?
And it's really tempting to believe the latter, though it would mean that beneath it all, i have over-relied on myself in doing what He has commissioned me to do.
It's really hard to swallow - seeing the young ones choosing to leave the group and look for fulfillment and meaning in their lives in the world rather than to journey with the flock. It's tough to see them exercise the free will that His love has provided, AND not try to impose what i firmly believe in on them. It's really really tough to still continue to avail myself to these who would in all probability seek the "Church's" help when the maelstrom, pandemonium and bedlam that the world can throw at them removes the ground from under their feet and they find themselves in the quagmire of sh*t.
So... sometimes i just wonder why would i subject myself to this continual struggle in ministry? shouldn't i just move on with my life that peers of my age have done - chase the world, success, money, house, love etc.? why should i even bother abt the youth that are probably over-sheltered in their lives, and shd be allowed to struggle in the deep end of the pool themselves, and learn from the sch of hard knocks on their own? after all, almost EVERYONE in the world has survived it, so why can't they? Shouldn't i learn to live and let live?
In all honesty, i wish i could. i wish i didn't have a conscience... i wish i wasn't somewhat intuitive to His movements and promptings in my life... i wish i was left alone with my soccer ball, PS2, free movie passes (ya right)... and let me live a life... a life of abject content. I guess it's this oxymoron that "did" me in - i can't. i may live a contradiction... but i cannot consciously leave Him alone. thus, i continue with the struggle of Ministry... which is paralleled to my own spiritual struggle. i'm doing what His Son commanded us to do.
God, i'm trying to carry my cross. Don't desert me ya.
Rhino5
posted by Rhino for God! at 10:10 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home