Still in my infancy, still unsatisfied
This entry's been a long time coming. Not cos Bro. Adrian asked the rhinos yesterday if we were ever gonna blog again. But rather cos it took me a long time to admit to myself that what i'm gonna blog abt is true in my life.
Over the course of my enacted silence on this blog, life has rambled on for me. And when i mean ramble, i mean trudging on. i started to put God's role in my life on the back-burner, preferring to take control of what was happening... school-work, relationships, ministry, my future... I just stopped allowing Him to figure in my daily decision-making. Not that it was a conscious decision from the start. i guess it's a slippery slope that one can slide down if one's not careful - thinking that with MY ability and MY smarts and MY intellect, I can CONTROL everything.
Nothing else mattered. Was just ME and MYSELF. Whatever troubled me, bugged me, made me unhappy, was always ABOUT ME.
And not that i was unaware of this either. initially, at least i put up some sort of struggle against this trend, trying to keep some semblance of a prayer-life... yet even the staples of my 'spiritual diet' no longer seemed tasty to me... daily mass became once-twice a week to almost non-existent, daily QT from half an hour became 10 mins, then 5 mins, then a simple goodnight to God... then... radio silence.
and i realise that i became a child again... an infant in my faith... only crying and wailing whenever i felt a physical need - to eat, to pee, to take a crap - without bothering abt anything around me or the ppl around me. i became self-centred... I-trouble (as Fr Gino puts it) was my newest gadget. i filled my life with things around me that i thought would satisfy me - but deep down i knew that these were temporary in nature.
I BECAME (and still am) DISTINCTLY DISSATISFIED.
and it's no fault of anyone around except me. here is where i'm not afraid to use "I". i have forgotten where my centre is... WHO my centre is... i forgot that someone knows better than i do... that this someone created me, has THE BEST PLANS in store for me... i WRESTLED Him out of the picture... i silenced Him the best way i knew how to... by pretending that i didn't have time for Him.
Childish? yes. Stupid? extremely. Unsatisfied? you betcha.
Yet this God of ours is really timely in His interjections. He swoops into my life when He knows i'm abt to drown, and gives me a lifeline again... Himself. Am i on the mend? i hope so... it's too early to tell... drowning in work again... drowning in insecurities again... drowning with fears again... but this time the life-buoy is around me... the Word of God is becoming my life-source again rather than a chore to read...
Pray that i'll be back on the mend ya?
Rhino5
Over the course of my enacted silence on this blog, life has rambled on for me. And when i mean ramble, i mean trudging on. i started to put God's role in my life on the back-burner, preferring to take control of what was happening... school-work, relationships, ministry, my future... I just stopped allowing Him to figure in my daily decision-making. Not that it was a conscious decision from the start. i guess it's a slippery slope that one can slide down if one's not careful - thinking that with MY ability and MY smarts and MY intellect, I can CONTROL everything.
Nothing else mattered. Was just ME and MYSELF. Whatever troubled me, bugged me, made me unhappy, was always ABOUT ME.
And not that i was unaware of this either. initially, at least i put up some sort of struggle against this trend, trying to keep some semblance of a prayer-life... yet even the staples of my 'spiritual diet' no longer seemed tasty to me... daily mass became once-twice a week to almost non-existent, daily QT from half an hour became 10 mins, then 5 mins, then a simple goodnight to God... then... radio silence.
and i realise that i became a child again... an infant in my faith... only crying and wailing whenever i felt a physical need - to eat, to pee, to take a crap - without bothering abt anything around me or the ppl around me. i became self-centred... I-trouble (as Fr Gino puts it) was my newest gadget. i filled my life with things around me that i thought would satisfy me - but deep down i knew that these were temporary in nature.
I BECAME (and still am) DISTINCTLY DISSATISFIED.
and it's no fault of anyone around except me. here is where i'm not afraid to use "I". i have forgotten where my centre is... WHO my centre is... i forgot that someone knows better than i do... that this someone created me, has THE BEST PLANS in store for me... i WRESTLED Him out of the picture... i silenced Him the best way i knew how to... by pretending that i didn't have time for Him.
Childish? yes. Stupid? extremely. Unsatisfied? you betcha.
Yet this God of ours is really timely in His interjections. He swoops into my life when He knows i'm abt to drown, and gives me a lifeline again... Himself. Am i on the mend? i hope so... it's too early to tell... drowning in work again... drowning in insecurities again... drowning with fears again... but this time the life-buoy is around me... the Word of God is becoming my life-source again rather than a chore to read...
Pray that i'll be back on the mend ya?
Rhino5
posted by Rhino for God! at 4:07 PM
4 Comments:
hi bro....thank you for sharing so openly and deeply. sometimes when we come down the mountain....we kenna a avanlanche and whoosh we're down so fast. recovering from an avalanche is not easy....we'd hv gotten some broken bones and many bruises. ok...i know u dun like advices..(haha). but..im here for u bro. call me up if anything.
No.1
wah, jealous. no.1 leaves comments for no.5, what about me? ok better not start with no.5. haha.
but the reason why i'm leaving a comment is because i really identified with your post. being here alone physi-spiritually (i.e. not surrounded by living , breathing community, i didn't even try to find or start one) and lacking discipline, i've forgotten so many things and i feel like a baby too in my faith again.just go for mass on sundays, say grace and pray when i remember or need to.
as a result, i find myself struggling to love so much. i allow myself to get angry, bitchy, angsty, intolerant, purposeless and sad.
the point is, i just forgot. forgot about the god who loves me and who brings more excitement and can set my heart ablaze more than anyone or anything. the funny (and beautiful) thing is, we take our eyes of him so many times and yet, for all eternity, his gaze is perpetually on me (and you and every single person) and it never falters. may we thank and praise him for this with our lives.
thank you for your honest sharing and for reminding those who "forgot". we all came from the Father who is pure love, how wonderful is that. some of us just forgot who and where we came from along the way and lost ourselves. oh all the things we're missing!
catchya soon!! god bless!! =)
hey bro.. glad to see an activity in the Rhinos blog again! i believe u r on the mend. the moment we realise how far we r frm God, tt is actually Him calling us back. i've had those moments too.. the biggest one being in my uni 3rd year, where tt sinking realisation led to me to YISS, back to ministry and put me on a journey with Jesus. so yeah.. i believe u r on the mend! =)
Guess we all fall back some times but thank God for the realization!
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