Surrendering of my will

Over the past 2 weeks or so, my heart has become a little restless and uneasy.

I suddenly realised, or maybe belatedly, that my ill-discipline has resulted in me being 4-5 weeks behind my work in school. Yes, the preparations for the rally have been long, arduous and time-consuming, but the time spent on these should have been at the expense of my leisure time. Now, it has become that I've shortened my work/study time to compensate for my loss of leisure time.

And I found my heart reproaching myself... after all, one of my greatest fears in life is failing to be the best I can and ought to be.

I began to start strategising on what I should do and how I should tackle these lack of discipline, and in what ways can I catch up on my work... Grandiose plans started forming in my head, like going back to hall directly after rehearsals on Sundays to do my essays and my readings, or staying back in hall on Saturdays to do my work till the afternoon...

My oh my... I WANTED TO RESUME TOTAL CONTROL OF MY LIFE... I did not pray about it much, assuming that God would probably understand why I had to do so.

And then the wake up call.

Yesterday (Monday) at mass... the Gospel reading gave my two tight slaps across my face... it was as if Christ was saying, like he did 2 weeks ago to the apostles, "Have you no perception? Do you not understand?" (Mark 8:17)

"Go, sell what you have,
and give to the poor and
you will have treasure in heaven:
then come follow me..."
- Mark 10:21

Why was I behaving like the rich man, who at these words bowed his head in sadness and left the Lord? The Lord has always been kind, giving me whatever I need, reminding me to entrust all in His hands... that His grace is sufficient for me.

All I needed to do was to be in tune with His will, and He will naturally prompt me to do what is necesary... And yes, He has been prompting me to do my school work and certain points in time... And I had allowed my laziness to overcome me and prefer to, as Kevin reminded me last night, "watch 22 men chasing a rubber ball all over a green field", and play guitar and indulge my brothers in hall with my time. So why did I even begin to allow these peripheries to bug me and throw my off balance? Why was I such a man of little faith?

What would me controlling my time do?

Answer: Leave God out of the picture. And I become the master.

And with that realisation came a superb sign. I contemplated not going for the usual Monday evening cell with the NUS Serangoon district gang, thinking that after mass I'd go back to hall for dinner and then mug for my History test that was held this morning. In the end, not only did He prompt me to continue with the cell/sharing, He made the test a breeze this morning, such that in the end, He was Master of my time... showing me where He wants to go and what He wants me to do at each and every point in time.

So, the moral of this super super long and cheong hei story is: Lord, not my will but Yours be done. Even when we think we're the best in deciding for ourselves what is best... i tell you... there is no one better than Him who created time in the first place!

You give and take away (time included)! Blessed be Your Name!

Rhino 5