And the struggle gets drearier... yet i'm doing a bare-bottomed 007 reaction!

2007 began with lots of promise... a year where I knew God would continue to enlarge His territory and re-assert His primacy in many hearts... a year where I knew God would make straight my paths, lead me by the hand and definitely bring me to places I may not want to go (if i so allow Him to)...

Yet God has chosen to start off my year with the crucible experience again. I thought to myself as 2006 drew to a close, "Oh... wah... God has really put me through my paces this year and I think I'm prepared to be the rhino that I am and just chiong when He calls me to, to enlarge His territory and all."

I couldn't be more wrong.

God, in His infinite wisdom, thought... no thinks (cos He transcends time right?) it best that I am to be left on the crucible to get my spiritual butt burned and purified, so that I can see who He intends me to be since my conception in His eternal mind. So much has stirred in my heart and mind over the past 2-3 weeks that this crucible experience seems so much drearier, painful and tough than I ever thought it could ever be. And my only consolation is that He knows what's best for me, and that His grace is enough.

The irony of it all is that the crucible experience calls for surrender. But the worst part is, I cannot "try" to surrender... surrender is me not trying at all and relying on Him to pull me through. Such an oxymoron. Don't get me wrong... it's not about giving up and letting things be... it's about letting Him be the centre, letting Him run the show, letting Him into the parts of my life that I cannot seem to relinquish my grasp on... my aspirations, my hopes, my fantasies, my weak spots (things, situations, people)... I guess it's about letting go... but sometimes what we know to be the "right" thing to do may not be what we want to do. After all, the longest journey is from our minds to our hearts right?

And not as if when these struggles are on-going, God tells us to relax and let our hands off the plough for a while. His call for us to struggle on to labour in His vineyard and carry our cross continues... in fact His call becomes more apparent and clear. It brings a whole new meaning to the imagery of "earthern vessels" that St Paul uses in Ephesians. How can God still choose to use me to emit His marvellous light and witness to His love, mercy and grace when I myself gao mm tim? I guess that's why the the boasting I can ever make can only be Him... that I boast His goodness and grace.

And these are the support pillars that hold me steadfast:

(this is supposed to be a pic of Zion's Joy but I guess Blogger.com and I haven't totally been reconciled yet... heh.)

Without these my brethren, I think I would have collapsed from the sheer weight of the cross and the burns I'd received on my butt.

So, I know that if God is for me, then no one can be against me... not even myself, my selfishness, my inability to let go, my own nonsense. I'm gonna be spiritually trimmer and weaker in the flesh... yet my God is mighty to save and He's never gonna let me go. Joining me, anyone?

"Lord God, remember not to miss any spot as You go about purifying my heart, mind and soul! And let me revel in this experience, where only the manna that You provide in abundance suffices to bring comfort and strength! Lord, increase exponentially in me, and may I diminish to insignificance!"

Rhino 5